"Ohhh, Mr. Hardboiled!" - A Fan Adventure

Ohhhhh, Mr. Hardboiled!
(A fan adventure)

Rules
1. Suggest actions, names, etc. in the thread only, please.
2. I am allowed to pick whatever suggestion I want, not necessarily the first.
3. There will be no art, just text.
4. There will not be a lot of HS content in here, and it is not an AU. It is simply an adventure with a lot of pop culture references, and some of that is from HS.
5. I will usually wait a few hours after getting the first suggestion before doing anything, unless I really like the suggestion. I may not wait at all, so get in fast.
6. I am allowed to stop this at any point.





You awake in a pool of blood, which is likely YOUR OWN. With a grunt, you force yourself into a sitting position, and take a QUICK GLANCE AROUND; you are in what seems to be in the kitchen of an abandoned house, and you also seem to be completely alone. Judging by the light shining through the windows, it is about mid-afternoon.

Your head is throbbing, and you don't remember how exactly you got here, or what you're doing. You know you're on a MISSION OF SOME KIND, and that it's REALLY IMPORTANT, but that is about it. Actually, really, that's about all you know. You aren't even sure of YOUR OWN NAME, for Christ sake, much less what you're doing here.

Wait.

That's not quite right.

You know ONE OTHER THING, and that is that you SOMETIMES HEAR VOICES, and that they're generally very helpful. Maybe those STRANGE VOICES can help you now!

INPUT COMMAND, voices!

(Also, you may want to name this guy!)

input name
WILSON MCDEVER

arachnidsGrip wrote:Input name: Ass Man

At first, one of the MANY VOICES suggests ASS MAN was your name; why, that doesn't seem right at all, and, in fact, it sounds kind of rude! You decide to DISREGARD IT. Sometimes, they sure can be pranksters, those voices!

terminallyCapricious wrote:input name
WILSON MCDEVER

That sounds much more proper than ASS MAN; yes, you're quite certain your name is WILSON McDEVER! Suddenly, everything makes perfect sense, relearning your name putting everything else back into focus with it. Well, most things, anyway!

You're a FORMER DETECTIVE of the SALUTIAN TASK FORCE, and you were hot on the trail of LANDON ARRIS, escaped death row inmate, serial killer, gang leader and the JOKER TO YOUR BATMAN. Sources told you he had reformed the DEADLY PIT VIPER gang, a Clockwork Orange-esque group of lunatics that has been in charge of Salut's white-collar sadistic crime for years now.

The same sources brought you to this run-down, pre-war house, located on the outskirts of Salut's capital, SARNATH, and it was here that you found the Pit Vipers. Needless to say, your attempts to capture them failed, and you found yourself getting beaten with weapons ranging from crowbars to a chair leg. One of the blows must of knocked you out, and then the gang left you for dead.

Just as you were getting to the best part of your HARD BOILED BACK STORY, you hear a noise below you, the sound of something LARGE AND MENACING scurrying around in the basement. You were a fool to ever think the Pit Vipers simply left you to die here in peace - more likely, they scurried off back to the dankness of the cellar before sunlight hit them. If there's one thing a Pit Viper hates more than EVERYTHING ELSE, it is day time.

You must advance or abscond, and soon! For, a Pit Viper never leaves his prey long.

INPUT COMMAND

abscond
MOTHERFUCKING ABSCOND

terminallyCapricious wrote:abscond
MOTHERFUCKING ABSCOND

One of the voices, an apparently bi-polar one, judging by the varying tones, suggests you RUN. That, likely, would be the best choice of action, considering your CURRENT CONDITION, and the fact that you couldn't defeat the Pit Vipers last night, before you had a baseball bat slamming into your ribs...

...Buuut...

arachnidsGrip wrote:Advance in the most hard-8oiled manner possi8le.

The other voice wants you to advance, and do so in an INCREDIBLY HARD-BOILED MANNER...

And who are you to turn a girl down? You're nothing, if not a ladies man, so you decide to go with the obviously much more feminine voice. Plus, that other guy seemed A LITTLE OUT OF HIS GOURD.

You glance around the room, looking for anything you may use as a weapon, and, fortunately, Pit Vipers are NOTORIOUSLY MESSY, and one has left his crowbar from last night right by your body! You pick it up, enjoying the feel of heavy, cold metal in your hands, and take a few test swings as the scurrying gets louder and nearer, the beast slowly treading up the stairs.

Now, the question is, do you wait for the fellow to meet you up here, or come down to him?

cuttlefishCuller wrote:Firmly grasp crowbar and pretend you are Gordon Freeman.

You grip the crowbar like a man with a purpose, like a man about to bash in some alien and/or zombie cranium. Granted, you'd never do that, because that would be CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE to the new ALIEN OVERLORDS, but you can always dream!

You slowly inch towards the door, the crowbar held like your life depends on it, because, well, it probably does. Soon, you are within an arm's length of the flimsy wood that separates you from your would-be attacker, and from the sounds of it, so is he. You swing the door open quickly, and without even looking, bludgeon whomever is standing at the top of the stairs.

They fall backwards at the first blow, which probably did damage in itself, hitting most of the steps on the way down. There are a lot more stairs than you thought there'd be separating you from the basement!

But hell, you're sure they were told about all those stairs, warned even, and they knew you were there. What did they expect?

After what seems like an eternity, the figure lands. It's too dark to see them from here, but they aren't moving or making any sound, so you presume they're dead. Or, crippled and mute, possibly suffering one or both injuries from the fall.

What do you do?

inspect
THE MOTHERFUCKING BODY

Proceed downstairs with extreme caution and bravado.

terminallyCapricious wrote:inspect
THE MOTHERFUCKING BODY

You decide to inspect the body - with any luck, you've done in Landon himself!

But, another voice chimes in...

DiamondsDroog wrote:Proceed downstairs with extreme caution and bravado.

Well, duh, how else would you go down dark stairs? Just to prove to this voice that it ISN'T YOUR MOM, LIKE GOSH, you decide to skip down the stairs, two at a time, arms flailing in the air in the girliest manner you can manage. The plan proves to be a HUGE FAILURE, and thanks to your IDIOTIC ACTIONS, you fall down the stairs yourself!

The voice warned you, dawg!

It told you, man!

You cartwheel down the stairs, bumping and bruising yourself on the way, finally landing on top of the body in the semi-darkness. Although your shoulder smarts from hitting a step just right, you're basically unharmed, and pull yourself to your feet to examine the body.

oh god

oh no

oh man

oh fuuuuuuck

It is not Landon Arris.

It is your best friend, DICK JONES, and he is MOST CERTAINLY DEAD, judging by the odd angle of his neck.

Suddenly, you remember everything. You weren't foolish enough to go to the Pit Viper hang out alone, and you are a fool now for thinking you were such a fool then! You brought Dick along to help you, in case things got rough, and some how he must of gotten trapped down here... probably only recently escaped, come to help his injured comrade upstairs, when you cruelly bludgeoned him!

But, the fact is, DICK IS DEAD, and you can't change that, although you can feel REALLY TERRIBLE about it.

What matters now is, no one can ever know this happened.

What do you do next?

look around the room for loot and helpful shit

cuttlefishCuller wrote:Squawk like an imbecile and s)(it on the corpse.

You may of killed him, but he is still your best friend! You REFUSE, tossing the idea aside as soon as the voice suggests it. If anything, you should give the Great Colonel Dick Jones a proper funeral, clawing out a grave with your bare hands if necessary. But, you don't have the time for that, so you instead close the corpse's eyes and move it into a more proper position.

caligulasAquarium wrote:look around the room for loot and helpful shit

The second suggestion you are given is decidedly better, and so you take it. You examine the basement as best you can in the little light the open door to the kitchen provides, and soon realize it's a lot bigger than you first imagined.

At some point, it looks as if the basement originally built onto the house was expanded upon, for you stand in a cement-and-rafters room now, which tapers off into a dirt-and-stone tunnel. Far down the tunnel, past what you can see clearly, there shines a dim light, just before the tunnel bends off and away from you. You can hear the distant sounds of someone yelling from the tunnel, and it may be getting closer - it's really hard to tell from here.

Although the room you stand in is mostly empty, there is the crowbar you dropped earlier, which you re-equip, and a few boxes to your left, half-tucked behind the stairs. You go through them quickly, and find a coil of rope, an old machete, a painter's sheet, duct tape, an exacto-blade, several plastic bags and a 5 Gallon Tin of gasoline.

Nothing suspicious has ever gone down in this basement, that is for sure!

What do you do?

cuttlefishCuller wrote:Pour t)(e gasoline all over t)(e stairs you previously advanced from, t)(en use t)(e duct tape to patc)( up t)(ose bruises you got from... you know... cartw)(eeling down t)(e stairs.

Although you don't really follow the logic, as you don't currently have MATCHES or a LIGHTER, you douse the stairs with gasoline as best as you can, which isn't very good, considering the darkness and how many damned stairs there are. Possibly a bit slow from all your recent head injuries, you decide to advance up the stairs, soaking them with gasoline as you go, and then head back down.

Unfortunately, the now-slippery surface causes you to FALL AGAIN on your way back, earning you a few more bruises and scrapes. At this point though, who's counting them?

Once at the foot of the stairs again, you follow the second half of the command, and make make-shift bandages out of the roll of duct tape, which you then apply to your various wounds. It doesn't really HELP ALL THAT MUCH, but an order's an order and you're too out of it to listen to your own thoughts.

Meanwhile, the voice from down the tunnel has gotten CONSIDERABLY CLOSER, and you can now see a SHADOWY FIGURE approaching. He's clearly bigger than you, and possibly has horns, which means one of two things; he's either a VIKING or a TROLL and you aren't sure which is worse. Really, vikings are about as close to trolls as humans can get without gray face paint and flamboyantly colored blood.

Oh, and he seems to be CARRYING A CLUB and the yelling seems directed to himself. This guy is probably going to kill you.

What do you do?

hide beneath
THE PAINTERS SHEET

terminallyCapricious wrote:hide beneath
THE PAINTERS SHEET

You pull out the painter's sheet, lay it out on the floor beneath the stairs, and crawl under it as the VIKING AND/OR TROLL approaches. Like a little boy tucked into bed, hiding from the boogie man, you cover your face, adapting the age-old policy of IF YOU CAN'T SEE IT, IT CAN'T SEE YOU.

Unfortunately, in this case, it seems to fail. You can hear the heavy, scuffing steps of the man (or, incredibly large, muscular woman - gotta be politically correct here!) as he approaches you and stops - right infront of the shaking lump of tarp that is Detective McDever. You aren't sure what's worse; the fact that he's right there, watching you squirm, or the fact that he is going to rip the sheet off you at any mi-

He rips the sheet off you, literally, tearing the thin fabric as he pulls it away.

This is CERTAINLY WORSE than being left to squirm. Oh so very, very much worse. In the dim light, you can just see his hulking mass, the curved horns nearly scraping the ceiling, the club thicker than your waist, and in this light, even from this distance, you can't tell if it's a man or a troll lingering above you.

But, you aren't a PANSY ASS TODDLER, are you? No. You're a MANLY MAN FULL OF MANLY MANGRIT, and, likely, your next VOICE DECIDED DECISION will reflect upon this.

Or not. At this point, you're really just a puppet to the cosmos.

arachnidsGrip wrote:Do a dance.

In the most hard 8oiled manner possi8le.

That sounds like an incredibly silly thing to do right now! You ignore this suggestion, although you may come back to it later.

cuttlefishCuller wrote:Attempt to get t)(at glubbing mac)(ete and act like a ninja to defend yourself.

Although you've never heard of a ninja wielding a machete, this doesn't sound like a half-bad idea, especially when compared to that OTHER SUGGESTION. You unequip the crowbar which you had been holding this entire time, and switch it out for the machete, before leaping from your GIRLY MAN fetal position on the floor and towards your attacker.

You make a valiant attempt at the man's life, swinging the blade down hard upon his skull, but unfortunately it is a VERY DULL BLADE, and his head is VERY HARD. It doesn't stop it from hitting, no, and it does in fact wedge the blade deeply into either his skull or helmet, but it doesn't go all the way through or seem to harm him in any way.

In fact it... sort of seems to amuse the guy. As opposed to retaliating, he lets out a BURST OF GRUFF LAUGHTER, a sound so very LOUD AND MANLY, it shakes dust down from the rafters and rattles the entire building.

This either went a lot better or a lot worse than expected.

"Are you trying to kill me?" He finally wheezes out between chuckles, as he wipes a tear from his eye with one giant finger. You nod simply in response, and throw him into another wave of wall-shaking laughter. When this one subsides, he speaks again.

"You're a very silly man, then. Don't you remember your INSIDE AGENT?" He asks.

You can't say that you do, but maybe a GRAND SUGGESTION will jog your memory.

ask him for his name.
SAY IS THIS MORDECAI SMITH

cuttlefishCuller wrote:

arachnidsGrip wrote:Do a dance.

In the most hard 8oiled manner possi8le.

You )(eard t)(e girl, do it!

You said you'd consider this at a LATER TIME, God damn it! As charming as a jig sounds right now, you just don't have it in you!

terminallyCapricious wrote:ask him for his name.
SAY IS THIS MORDECAI SMITH

"Who the hell is that? Say, did you get bonked on the head 'gain?" The giant towering above you asks, before bursting into another fit of laughter. Before you get a chance to answer, you hear MORE YELLING from the direction of the tunnel, and the sound of several sets of fast-moving feet.

"Well, we probably should be movin' this conversation, 'fore my 'friends' come 'n' get us." The man suggests, as he removes the machete from his head-helmet and hands it back to you; as it doesn't seem SOAKED IN BLOOD, you are going to presume he's wearing a helmet, and is most likely a viking. Or, a troll who wears helmets. Or, maybe, some other kind of creature with horns and a taste for helmets. You just can't keep up with all these darned alien immigrants and mutants these days.

But, really, you don't have time to contemplate this man's species, for the voices are drawing closer.

The question, once again, is, do you ADVANCE or ABSCOND?

((Sorry my content has been slow and less than perfect lately. Sort of dealing with my rare bouts of depression, but I'll be back on top of the HSDF Adventure hierarchy soon!))